"I hope you come to terms with reality some day."

I posted on Facebook last night asking for help finding a place to live due to our unique circumstances and family size. A family member was the first to respond. It was a rude, hurtful, and demeaning comment in connection with recent events in our family and really had nothing to do with offering solutions to finding a home.  I immediately deleted it and posted this instead.

His Response: 
"I don't want to be mean to you. I really don't. All I have to say is some things are not forgivable. I hope you come to terms with reality some day." 

Well you know what, here is me coming to "terms" with reality.

come to terms with

phrase of term

1. 1.

   come to accept (a new and painful or difficult event or situation); reconcile oneself to.

   "she had come to terms with the tragedies in her life"

   synonyms:

   accept, come to accept, reconcile oneself to, learn to live with, become resigned to, make the best of; face up to "she eventually came to terms with her situation"

Reality. Such an interesting word. What does it mean? Well let me define it according to google: 

re·al·i·ty

rēˈalədē/

noun

1. 1.

   the world or the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them.

   "he refuses to face reality"

   synonyms:

   the real world, real life, actuality;
2. 2.

   the state or quality of having existence or substance.

   "youth, when death has no reality"

Okay. Reflect with me on each of these definitions.What are the state of things as they actually exist in my life? Let me enlighten you.

I am a mother of 8 children. I am responsible for their physical, emotional/mental, and spiritual well being. That means I have to make sure they have underwear, socks, shoes, appropriate clothes for the weather, a roof over their heads, food to put in their bellies, a good education; you get the picture. And somehow between their birth and when they turn 18 I am responsible to teach them how to provide these things for themselves. For their emotional/mental well being I have to understand the unique personality of each child so I am able to help each child understand  their emotional/mental strengths and weakness and teach healthy ways to deal with the emotional/mental challenges of life so that they don't have to turn to drugs and alcohol to cope. This has been no walk in the park thus far since each of my children are extremely advanced intellectually and way behind in their emotional development. Spiritually, I am responsible for instilling good principles in my children, teach them right for wrong so they can grow up with a moral compass and become a contributing adult to make a positive difference wherever life may take them.

To add to this, I am also a wife, friend, daughter, sister, and neighbor. With each of these comes many more responsibilities that I juggle on a regular basis. Last but not least, I have the responsibility to take care of myself and my own happiness. No one can or will do it for me.  

Now how about definition 2. Does my life have quality of existence or substance?

Duh! I may have many responsibilities and stresses, but my life is filled with children's laughter, excitement, wonderment and delight.  I have deep, meaningful relationships with friends, family, neighbors, and my husband. 

I don't have time or desire to dwell on things I cannot change. My life and heart is so full of substance and quality that I don't have room in my life or heart for pain and bitterness. When bad, painful, heart retching things happen, I cry, I talk to those I have meaningful relationships with, I redefine my life, I forgive, and move on. Just as I'm doing now. I've cried about the pain created when in a time of need, I was slapped in the face by a rude, hurtful, and demeaning comment, I've now discussed it here, I've redefined and realize that dwelling on this matter isn't adding to my quality of life, I've forgiven, and now I'm moving on.

You know what? Maybe I'm not the one who needs to come to terms with reality!

I need to get it off my chest!

This morning I was awoken by my phone sounding telling me I had a text. It was a long text by a well meaning person venting some frustrations about me. (Long story). My first reaction: Can I just put a bullet through my head and be done? About this time, my husband is getting in the shower and calls out from the bathroom about something. Do I tell him or keep quiet? Thankfully some sense kicks and I tell my husband how I'm feeling without much explanation. I have a habit of keeping quiet when I'm on the brink of quitting. Instead of holding everything in I'm going to get somethings of my chest.

In no particular order here they are.

For crying out loud people, stop judging!! You have no idea what another is going through. The things you post or say about people can be the breaking point in someone's life. I can tell you from personal experience the people who are quiet and seem to keep everything together, helping other people, and are "saints" are usually the ones that are one unthoughtful comment away from killing themselves. Be a friend and include everyone. Seek first to understand then be understood. It might surprise you what you find out is going on in someone's life and you might be more forgiving.

I constantly see posts about people being on welfare and how they are bums living on someone else's money. Or how people are tired of their hard earned money being given away to people who don't want to work for themselves. I'm ashamed to admit I use to be one of these uneducated, condoning people. Not anymore. Do you want to know why?  Let me educate you.

Within a few years of being married, we were very blessed and my husband made good money. We had a house, we had food storage and had a years worth of money saved up. We had 5 children with #6 on the way. Life was good. We gave to the poor, lived in a great neighborhood and great ward. Then in 2010, my husband took a pay cut and we were keeping our eyes out for new employment. Money was tight but we were still managing. A few months later my husband is one of the last employees working for this company. Still no new job options. Then it happened. He goes to work and they announce to the final employees to go home. They are closing their doors. 9 months, 100's of job applications and 2 job interviews later, we were still jobless, child 6 was due anytime, and our savings is just about spent. We lost our home. We did not have the option to move in with family. What now? We had some hard decisions to make. We turned to welfare for help after exhausting all our resources. Let me tell you what it's like to be on welfare. Our first "welfare" home was a 4 bedroom 1000sq ft dump on a very busy street with very strict rules about the property, who can visit and for how long, etc... I was still grateful for a roof over our heads. Then we were blessed to rent a better home with Sec 8 subsidy.  We have been here for 5 years trying to better our situation and get back on our feet with Kevin going back to school and working when he can. So why aren't we off welfare yet? Because we can't get off and survive. We don't want to be on it. It has become a necessary thorn in our lives. We are told how much we can rent a house for, how much $ for food we can use, and we can't have more than $2000 of assets (money, cars) or we get kicked off welfare. It's a catch 22. When we have an income we pay a % of that towards rent which I completely agree with. Then food stamps are also reduced drastically by more than what we are actually bringing home. Somehow we are supposed to make up the difference of rent going up and paying the difference in food costs when our new expenses equal more than our income We also lose medicaid for Kevin and me if we make more than $1236/month (that's for a family of 10!) which leaves us paying the "fee" at tax time. We recently found out we won't be able to extend our contract this year for our current home. That means we get to move again and find a place set within the limits the government dictates or be homeless. Our limit is $1239/month for rent on a 5 bedroom place (we can't live in a smaller bedroom home because of Utah Fire Marshall Law.) Here in Utah County that will barely get you into  2-3 bedroom apartment. If you don't believe me you are welcome to look it up. We have to stay here because Kevin is in the middle of his Masters degree. If anyone has a job available for my hubby that will immediately pay minimum of $4000/m after taxes then I will gladly kiss welfare goodbye. Until then, help those around you and stop judging because chances are they are stuck in the welfare cycle too and have given up hope. 

May we all be one in Christ and Christ in us.